Deanna, this is something I struggled with at length over the last couple of years. My best friend from college got in her first serious relationship, and even though we lived in different states, we had always stayed in touch daily, and the dynamic drastically shifted. I was hurt and angry for a year. I found a podcast that changed my perspective and allowed me to have more grace. If you want to check it out, it’s episode 84 of the Struggle Care podcast, called “Make friendships easier with the Six Besties Theory with Hello Hayes”. The premise is that we have many different types of friendships, and not each person you meet is meant to be a “soul sister”. For many years I searched for a BEST friend in each potential friend I met, and I’ve learned that isn’t realistic. I’ve found much peace in accepting that some friends are only around for the good times, but are still fun to have a drink with. Other friends, I can go months without speaking with, but will still soothe my soul the moment we reconnect, and it’s like no time has passed. In seeing friendships for what they are and allowing myself to grow some more “casual” friendships that don’t meet my expectations of a BEST friend, but still bring joy and connection to my life, I now have a much fuller friend circle and social life. I just had to adjust my expectations!
Your insights and wisdom are so valuable, Becca! Everything you shared here resonates with me and I innerstand. I will check out that podcast, thanks for sharing! As you said, there is so much peace in acceptance. Thank you deeply and kindly for reading and taking the time to share your experience and learnings around this topic. I appreciate you! A deep bow and a lotus for you, dear Becca 🙏🪷
Oh boy, this hit several touchy spots. SO relatable on so many fronts.
I've actually seen a lot of writers hitting on this friendship topic lately and it certainly doesn't help when you move away and nobody comes to visit. Even when my mom moved to Japan back in the 90s, she experienced the same thing. Nobody went to visit.
On the topic of your constant flow of Jamaica questions, I related SO hard to that. I've actually drafted a whole piece on why I hated being an unintentional "influencer" for all those years on the island. I've been afraid to publish it because I feel like it sounds super bitchy but at the same time, it's real life for us.
Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. I think you've given me the courage to maybe publish mine.
Give thanks, Jimmy, for reading and taking the time to connect. I imagine you have lots of stories to share around friendship with your remarkable life experience of traveling all over the world! One of these days, we will chat over some pizza or at the shop. Until then, big hugs of peace and love for you, my friend 🫂☮️🩵🙏
Wow- this brought up a lot of emotion for me. "Sometimes, I felt like choosing my life in Jamaica also meant choosing to let go of my friendships from before I moved". Friendships change over time and distance of course as well, but when I moved to Costa Rica, I also had that sadness of missing coffee with a friend, or having someone think of me as their Costa Rican travel agent-know-it-all (and I mean I owned a hotel sooo um, how bout I suggest our hotel?! duh! 😉) or how many times now that we don't own a hotel anymore or live abroad say 'oh, I never got a chance to come see you'. And like you now going on 7 years, we were there 5+...so...whatcha wait for?! 😂. I know more now, and let it go, don't take it personally. We evolve and grow to make space for new possibilities. I felt it all with you here Deanna!
Awwww, we are such kindred spirits, dear Marlo! What a gift for you to share this with me and help me to see that it's not just me. I have made several very dear friends since I've moved, and I'm deeply grateful for them. Unfortunately, they don't stay here in Portland where I am full-time, and I'm accepting that (so much peace on the other side of acceptance, isn't there?). Thank you for connecting and letting me know that my words stirred up emotions in you. It delights me to know that my words landed and sparked! A big hug and a deep bow to you, beautiful soul sister 🙏🫂🩵💫🌸
Thanks for writing on such a heartfelt and vulnerable topic. One way of looking at friendships for me has been the idea that we're all constantly changing and evolving, so it's natural for our friendships to change and evolve also. Sometimes, people continue with us on our life path, and sometimes they don't. Yes, it can be painful, but if I hadn't let go of some of my friendships, I never would have had the space to create friendships with some amazing women. Also, sometimes I've found I can reconnect with someone even after a long lapse in communication. I think social media has made us a bit lazy, because we fall into the habit of believing we are connecting with friends when, in truth, we're barely scratching the surface. I prefer in-person connections whenever possible, and those relationships take time and attention to really blossom. One more thing...I'm single and have many women friends who are married. This has it's own set of issues.
Give thanks, Victoria, for taking the time to read and connect. Your words here landed and resonate! I love the perspective that we are growing and evolving so it's natural for relationships/friendships to also evolve and change. Such truth. You also bring up another important thread around being single with many friends who are married. The topic of friendship has so many layers and I didn't think of this one! Sending you a big hug from my heart to yours 🫂🩵🫂🩵
Looking forward to your take on female friendships with Jamaicans. I have a variety of experiences. Honestly, most are negative but some relationships have blossomed to friendship with time. It almost feels as kindness is not freely given but earned. A baby on my hip seems to help women warm up to me quicker.
Kay!!!! Such a treat to see your words here. Give deep thanks for taking the time to read and connect. "It almost feels as kindness is not freely given but earned." I FEEL this, sis. For true. I'm looking forward to diving deeper into my experience with female Jamaicans...such a layered topic, especially as a white woman living here. Spoiler alert: I have made friends with three Jamaican women who come to mind right away that I completely trust and love. They are all older than me. They have all lived overseas for many years of their lives and I feel that is a big part of why we are able to connect so deeply...they've had experience off the island and seen other ways of living, thinking, and being so they are more open. More to come on that when I publish the follow up essay! If you have any specific questions or perspectives you'd like me to consider or share in my essay, please do connect and let me know! Big up, sis, much love, and a deep bow of respect to you 🙏🩵🫂☮️🌸
It would be interesting to write one piece with multiple contributors on this very topic. I found it very difficult to find earnest female friends there.
My friendships have changed a lot recently because of the politics in this country. I know who voted for what and things I probably years ago didn't care about but are SO IMPORTANT now... but at any rate... I have lost 2 major friendships with men I had in my life. I prefer my female friendships now anyway as I move on in a few weeks into the 4th year of my marriage. But at the same time, I feel abandoned and a little confused because I never would have abandoned at least one of those friends and tried for years as he gaslit me day in and out to fix the flaws in our friendship. But anywhoo, here we are. I'm in my early 40s... and I'm happy. I'm content. I may be a little hurt, by some people's reactions to me, but it is what it is. That's how my friendships have changed in the last few years. Thanks for writing. I enjoy your writing-- it's always thought provoking ... 😊 have a good rest of your day!
Ahhhh, yes, the political climate in the states is quite turbulent right now, isn't it? Thank you for sharing how that comes into play when it comes to friendships, Laura. That's thought-provoking! You also bring up male and female friendships...another deep perspective to consider. Thank you for your willingness to show up here and share...it means so much! I am sending you so much love and peace. May all beings be safe, well, and loved. A deep bow of gratitude to you, Laura 🙏☮️🩵🫂
Deanna, this is something I struggled with at length over the last couple of years. My best friend from college got in her first serious relationship, and even though we lived in different states, we had always stayed in touch daily, and the dynamic drastically shifted. I was hurt and angry for a year. I found a podcast that changed my perspective and allowed me to have more grace. If you want to check it out, it’s episode 84 of the Struggle Care podcast, called “Make friendships easier with the Six Besties Theory with Hello Hayes”. The premise is that we have many different types of friendships, and not each person you meet is meant to be a “soul sister”. For many years I searched for a BEST friend in each potential friend I met, and I’ve learned that isn’t realistic. I’ve found much peace in accepting that some friends are only around for the good times, but are still fun to have a drink with. Other friends, I can go months without speaking with, but will still soothe my soul the moment we reconnect, and it’s like no time has passed. In seeing friendships for what they are and allowing myself to grow some more “casual” friendships that don’t meet my expectations of a BEST friend, but still bring joy and connection to my life, I now have a much fuller friend circle and social life. I just had to adjust my expectations!
Your insights and wisdom are so valuable, Becca! Everything you shared here resonates with me and I innerstand. I will check out that podcast, thanks for sharing! As you said, there is so much peace in acceptance. Thank you deeply and kindly for reading and taking the time to share your experience and learnings around this topic. I appreciate you! A deep bow and a lotus for you, dear Becca 🙏🪷
Oh boy, this hit several touchy spots. SO relatable on so many fronts.
I've actually seen a lot of writers hitting on this friendship topic lately and it certainly doesn't help when you move away and nobody comes to visit. Even when my mom moved to Japan back in the 90s, she experienced the same thing. Nobody went to visit.
On the topic of your constant flow of Jamaica questions, I related SO hard to that. I've actually drafted a whole piece on why I hated being an unintentional "influencer" for all those years on the island. I've been afraid to publish it because I feel like it sounds super bitchy but at the same time, it's real life for us.
Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. I think you've given me the courage to maybe publish mine.
Ya mon, speak your truth, Kristi, and publish it!! I would love to hear your experience and perspective!
Excellent! I'll do it!
Lots of emotions..memories an more..keep up yur writing
Give thanks, Jimmy, for reading and taking the time to connect. I imagine you have lots of stories to share around friendship with your remarkable life experience of traveling all over the world! One of these days, we will chat over some pizza or at the shop. Until then, big hugs of peace and love for you, my friend 🫂☮️🩵🙏
Wow- this brought up a lot of emotion for me. "Sometimes, I felt like choosing my life in Jamaica also meant choosing to let go of my friendships from before I moved". Friendships change over time and distance of course as well, but when I moved to Costa Rica, I also had that sadness of missing coffee with a friend, or having someone think of me as their Costa Rican travel agent-know-it-all (and I mean I owned a hotel sooo um, how bout I suggest our hotel?! duh! 😉) or how many times now that we don't own a hotel anymore or live abroad say 'oh, I never got a chance to come see you'. And like you now going on 7 years, we were there 5+...so...whatcha wait for?! 😂. I know more now, and let it go, don't take it personally. We evolve and grow to make space for new possibilities. I felt it all with you here Deanna!
Awwww, we are such kindred spirits, dear Marlo! What a gift for you to share this with me and help me to see that it's not just me. I have made several very dear friends since I've moved, and I'm deeply grateful for them. Unfortunately, they don't stay here in Portland where I am full-time, and I'm accepting that (so much peace on the other side of acceptance, isn't there?). Thank you for connecting and letting me know that my words stirred up emotions in you. It delights me to know that my words landed and sparked! A big hug and a deep bow to you, beautiful soul sister 🙏🫂🩵💫🌸
Thanks for writing on such a heartfelt and vulnerable topic. One way of looking at friendships for me has been the idea that we're all constantly changing and evolving, so it's natural for our friendships to change and evolve also. Sometimes, people continue with us on our life path, and sometimes they don't. Yes, it can be painful, but if I hadn't let go of some of my friendships, I never would have had the space to create friendships with some amazing women. Also, sometimes I've found I can reconnect with someone even after a long lapse in communication. I think social media has made us a bit lazy, because we fall into the habit of believing we are connecting with friends when, in truth, we're barely scratching the surface. I prefer in-person connections whenever possible, and those relationships take time and attention to really blossom. One more thing...I'm single and have many women friends who are married. This has it's own set of issues.
Give thanks, Victoria, for taking the time to read and connect. Your words here landed and resonate! I love the perspective that we are growing and evolving so it's natural for relationships/friendships to also evolve and change. Such truth. You also bring up another important thread around being single with many friends who are married. The topic of friendship has so many layers and I didn't think of this one! Sending you a big hug from my heart to yours 🫂🩵🫂🩵
Looking forward to your take on female friendships with Jamaicans. I have a variety of experiences. Honestly, most are negative but some relationships have blossomed to friendship with time. It almost feels as kindness is not freely given but earned. A baby on my hip seems to help women warm up to me quicker.
Kay!!!! Such a treat to see your words here. Give deep thanks for taking the time to read and connect. "It almost feels as kindness is not freely given but earned." I FEEL this, sis. For true. I'm looking forward to diving deeper into my experience with female Jamaicans...such a layered topic, especially as a white woman living here. Spoiler alert: I have made friends with three Jamaican women who come to mind right away that I completely trust and love. They are all older than me. They have all lived overseas for many years of their lives and I feel that is a big part of why we are able to connect so deeply...they've had experience off the island and seen other ways of living, thinking, and being so they are more open. More to come on that when I publish the follow up essay! If you have any specific questions or perspectives you'd like me to consider or share in my essay, please do connect and let me know! Big up, sis, much love, and a deep bow of respect to you 🙏🩵🫂☮️🌸
It would be interesting to write one piece with multiple contributors on this very topic. I found it very difficult to find earnest female friends there.
Ooooh, I LOVE that idea, Kristi!! Are you in??? What about you, Kay...would you consider contributing to this?
I'm in!
Sweet!! I'll DM you 🩵
Awesome! I'll check it this afternoon when I get home. 😊
My friendships have changed a lot recently because of the politics in this country. I know who voted for what and things I probably years ago didn't care about but are SO IMPORTANT now... but at any rate... I have lost 2 major friendships with men I had in my life. I prefer my female friendships now anyway as I move on in a few weeks into the 4th year of my marriage. But at the same time, I feel abandoned and a little confused because I never would have abandoned at least one of those friends and tried for years as he gaslit me day in and out to fix the flaws in our friendship. But anywhoo, here we are. I'm in my early 40s... and I'm happy. I'm content. I may be a little hurt, by some people's reactions to me, but it is what it is. That's how my friendships have changed in the last few years. Thanks for writing. I enjoy your writing-- it's always thought provoking ... 😊 have a good rest of your day!
Ahhhh, yes, the political climate in the states is quite turbulent right now, isn't it? Thank you for sharing how that comes into play when it comes to friendships, Laura. That's thought-provoking! You also bring up male and female friendships...another deep perspective to consider. Thank you for your willingness to show up here and share...it means so much! I am sending you so much love and peace. May all beings be safe, well, and loved. A deep bow of gratitude to you, Laura 🙏☮️🩵🫂