Hello 👋
Let’s talk hair. Or no hair.
I shaved my head in January 2023 for the first time and it’s been a topic of discussion in my life off and on since then. Just for the record, these discussions are always initiated by others. There are questions. There are comments. There are looks of concern that perhaps I’m sick. There are looks of curiosity.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s just hair (or no hair), so what’s the big deal? Why is my “hairstyle” (or lack of) worthy of discussion? Why is anyone’s?
I first wrote about this on my blog last summer in a post titled "Why do most of us find it difficult to love ourselves just as we are? (I would be honored if you clicked the link and checked this article out 🙏).
The backstory of my shaved head began in the 1990’s when I was in high school (big up if Sinead O’Connor comes to mind when you think of a shaved head…you get me).
I was enamored with Sinead O’Connor: her shaved head, the combat boots, the I-don’t-give-a-fuck-attitude that she embodied and projected. I admired her. I went to her concert more than once. I wore and cared for several pairs of Doc Martens that I could only buy on Haight St. in San Francisco or Telegraph Ave. I thought I was cool without being cool.
I shaved half of my head when I was 16 years old. I deeply wanted to shave it all but honestly, I didn’t have the guts. I secretly told myself that someday I would do it and it became a bucket list thing for me.
During my mother’s breast cancer journey, she decided in January 2023 that she needed to shave her head as her hair falling out was causing her much distress. She was nervous to shave her head and more so to see herself without hair.
Without hesitation, I told her that I would shave mine with her in solidarity and to (selfishly?) fulfill my personal wish from more than thirty years ago to do it.
I had a Jamaican barber come to my house with his clippers and we got on a video call with my mom who was with my sister and nieces for the head shaving event.
My mom asked me to go first and I excitedly obliged. When it was my mom’s turn, my nieces and sister took turns with the clippers and they surprised everyone with their own version of a shaved head (see picture below).
We had a great time and in our typical fashion, we made a not-so-pleasant situation better with laughter and silliness. When we are together, we are a loud and boisterous bunch and we carried that vibe over the video call without missing a beat.
Some people told me how selfless I was for supporting my mother in this way and I always replied with some version of how I’ve always wanted to shave my head and this just gave me the perfect excuse to do so. Not so selfless in my humble opinion and I like to think of it as a win-win: I supported my mother and fulfilled a personal dream. A two birds with one stone kind of thing.
A lot of people have asked me what my husband thinks of my shaved head. It makes me wonder if people ask each other what their husbands/wives think of their current hairstyles? No one ever asked me this question until I shaved my head.
My husband was very supportive of me shaving my head to support my mother. Now almost a year and a half later, my mom’s hair is nearing her shoulders and my husband has been my resident barber, shaving my head for me whenever I ask him (we bought clippers after the barber shaved my head the first time because I knew it wouldn’t be the last time).
Recently, he asked me if I would consider growing it back “just a little bit.” In the spirit of compromise, I decided to give it a try. I didn’t ask him to shave it for one month.
Family and friends started asking “omg, are you growing your hair back?”
When I replied that I was attempting to because my husband expressed an interest in me doing so, the typical reply was in favor of growing it back. My mother even said “he married a woman with soft hair to touch so I don’t blame him for wanting it back!”
My husband overheard me tell my mom that I was doing it for him and he came to me and told me not to do it for him. When I told him I was attempting to compromise because that’s important in a marriage, he agreed and said that compromise doesn’t apply to our bodies. What we do with our bodies is up to us, he told me. He reminded me that I have never asked him to cut his hair or beard in a certain way or to change his appearance to suit me.
I cried with relief and told him how miserable I had been feeling about growing back my hair. As summer envelopes Jamaica with it’s heavy, wet blanket of incredible heat, the one month growth on my head felt like a fur coat (my heart always goes out to our dog who somehow manages to survive this heat with his whole body being a fur coat). Where the hair was growing around my ears, my glasses caused it to stand up and I had to mess with it to get it to lay back down. When I stuck my head out of the car window while driving to the North Coast on my birthday, I could feel the wind in my hair and found myself constantly petting my hair to make it lay down.
I realized how my shaved head aligns so perfectly with my value of simplicity. When my head is shaved, I don’t have to spend much energy or time on my hair. It is the same when I wake up as when I go to sleep (the novelty of this hasn’t worn off at all!). I don’t have hair to wash. I don’t have to buy shampoo or anything else for my hair (I actually haven’t bought shampoo since 2019…perhaps that’s a story for another time). I just have to sit down every 2-3 weeks for about 15 minutes to let my husband shave it.
For me, not having to put any energy towards my hair creates space and energy for me to do other things that feel more important.
On a practical level, my shaved head is perfect for my life here on the island. When I share yoga or bodywork, I don’t have to deal with hair in my face mixing with the inevitable sweat on my forehead. I am more easily able to be fully present with what I am doing without hair-caused distractions.
Sometimes I think that I may never grow my hair back.
Sometimes I think it would be fun to feel curls on my head again.
Sometimes I wonder if my hair will even come back curly.
Sometimes I feel that by keeping my head shaved, I send the message to others that it’s ok to do you; that it’s ok to show the world what you really look like without all of the things that we use to cover ourselves up and to do so with confidence.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that everyone should shave their head and stop wearing make-up. These are simply my choices. One wish I have for humanity is that everyone feels safe and empowered to be who they are in this life.
Most of the time I’m just grateful that I don’t have to spend much energy on my hair.
Please connect, dear reader, if you feel called:
What thoughts, questions, or reflections does this post bring up for you?
On compromising in relationships: are there areas that you think are not up for compromise? Given that this is my second marriage, I’m very aware of doing things differently than I did the first time so I’d love your wisdom here if you have some to share.
If you’ve read this far, deep gratitude to you for strolling with me today down Shaved Head Lane. I appreciate you 💜
With a deep bow and a warm hug from my 💜 to yours 💜,
Deanna 🙏✌️🌺💕
P.S. Please give this post a heart, a restack, or a share if you feel called. This is a free and easy way to support my work and every show of support means so much to me. ❤️🌈
Way to go! I shaved my head when my mother died 8 years ago and have rarely let it get more than an inch inch long since. it’s the most freeing thing I’ve ever done - I wish I’d done it decades ago. It is always interesting when friends and strangers feel compelled to comment - especially when they ask “why?”
You’ve shared some really great insights here. Your husband is good to be so much more clear with you about your hair and body. It sounds like he was being curious, yet not suggesting you change on his behalf.
If and when you change something about your hair, it’ll probably feel similar to when you got your tattoos…. You just know. Until then, carry on and don’t overthink others ideas too much. As loving as they might be, their opinions are like the adults in Peanuts cartoons: whaaahhh, whaaahhh whaaahhh.